I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
