either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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