if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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