Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
