I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
