Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
