I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
