i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
