Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
not ubering you a puppy
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
