Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
