How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
