Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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