One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
