Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
