he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
