Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
