Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
