I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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