I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
