he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
