I will die if light touches me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
