I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
