bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
