9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
