ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
