I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
