Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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