I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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