how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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