remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
