My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
