Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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