remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
