I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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