Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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