Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
