Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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