you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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