Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
