how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
