to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
