If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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