So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
