Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
