whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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