if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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