I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
