so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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