textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
