If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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