I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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