There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
